Keepin It Real

Not all glamorous. 

So I've been really focused on keeping what I say here objective. With the babies I kind of said whatever came to mind and shared bloopers because I was making mistakes left and right. But babies are cute. Babies with disabilities are looked at with sympathy and compassion. I didn't feel a need to defend them. I didn't feel the need to spotlight their strengths because people just naturally like babies. 

Not so with mental health. It's weird and foreign. It's not talked about much. There's a fog of stigma that mental illness is fake or a choice or a sign of weakness. So my mindset has been to advocate and educate until I'm blue in the face... 

But it's time to be real. 

This work is hard. 
This field is difficult.
My client's issues keep me up at night.
It's hard to detach from work when I go home.
It's easy to feel like you didn't do enough.

Week 2 I had a breakdown. A sobbing-at-home-most-of-the-night breakdown. Wondering how a good God could let these evil, horrible things happen to children. Wondering if I wasn't just adding to the problem - by temporarily being in their lives and then leaving - isn't that reinforcing that people come and go and aren't dependable? The very thing they've been taught all their lives? Wondering how in the world I was going to survive this placement... I got some perspective from my supervisor and others and I'm gonna make it :) 

You have to have thick skin. 

My skin is never thick enough... like people do and say nasty things, frustrating things, stuck-in-their-downward-spiral things.. and you just have to brush it off and be the bigger man and act like it's not hurting you, like their poor behaviors are only hurting them. (secret: sometimes it stings anyway.. even though you know it shouldn't..)

You know how I said some of my clients are honest? Have no filter? Well, it was super disorienting at first to figure out how to respond to grown people saying super inappropriate things. 

So much sensitivity. And manipulation. And mood swings. Attention seeking. And escaping responsibilities. It's like a game some of my clients play: How little can I do today? How much of my problems can I blame on the staff? Instead of: How can I better myself today? How can today get me one step closer to my goals.

It's a highly stressful environment. As in there have been statewide budget cuts in mental health programs... the usual. So we had to lay off staff. But we have the same amount of clients and the same amount of work. And we're dealing with people. Who live here. Who have needs that can't always wait. It's not like piles of paperwork you can leave for the next shift the next day. These are people's lives we're dealing with. And because the staff really cares, they overwork themselves to get it all done.. I mean what choice do we have really? 

We have the funniest moments. 

Like we could have our own sitcom. Except I get to tune in all week, and the things we deal with... you can't make this stuff up! (Still trying to figure out how to share the funny stuff without saying too much.. airing on the side of caution.. but when I figure it out, get ready!)

It can be intense. 

Like we have to assess clients daily for suicidal thoughts and plans. It's sad. It's hard for my clients to get a job. Without a job they have too much time and not enough purpose. And we complain as a society about people living off the system... well, they're stuck in a hard place. Do you know how crushing it is to be rejected from interview after interview for jobs that pay minimum wage?...

This placement makes me question the way the world works quite a bit of the time. I go on walks during lunch so I remember to breathe. Try to stay sane. Because getting a front row seat to a broken system is really disheartening.. it's easier not to know, you know? And sometimes I guess I'd rather be ignorant...